Feb 22 , 2021
I am having contractions!
I have recently been in a really hectic space,
Some would call it shadow work.
Some would call it depression.
Some would call it an emotional rollercoaster.
Fuck who gives a shit what you want to call it.
It’s just been a shit time!
It has been heavy.
Some days I feel like I am waking up with this massive weight on my chest and I can’t breath.
Some days I am waking with such energy and excitement and creativity it is vibrating through me so hardcore I then freak myself out with overwhelm.
There are new emotions and triggers popping up everyday.
My regular tool belt of remedies for this shit just isn’t working like it used to.
I wanna cry at the randomest of moments and the randomest of thoughts.
I wanna dance and laugh and a sing with joy
I wanna curl up in a ball and cry and cry and cry.
Like seriously come on how much more can one human take?
From Loving myself sick to then please let me go back to bed and leave me be for the rest of the week.
The pain, oh the actually physical pain that is coming with this as well is crazy.
I didn’t know my body could ache so much from doing nothing.
This has been me for a few weeks now and I did really well at keeping it to myself for a bit but the past week has seen it over flow.
Fucking erupt like a mother trucking valcano.
I didn’t think I had that much liquid in me to be able to cry as much as I have.
And I really don’t think I am through this yet.
Through this labour leading the birth of the new me!
With each moment, a contraction of emotion, energy in motion, it does get me closer and closer to birthing this next level epic badass goddess that I know is on the other side.
With every contraction and moment of pain and frustration I know I am getting closer and closer to being fully dilated.
It doesn’t help that I am birthing a next level badass either!
The head is going to hurt that's for sure!
And even though this is hurting and this labour has taken weeks I have been lucky like a lot of birthing mothers to have an insane support team.
My village just continues to grow.
My support network is becoming endless and I have shown myself the power of surrendering and allowing others to care for me.
And now as we are on the eve of my actual child's birth some 5 years ago I sit and feel into all of the feelings of joy, sadness, grief, excitement, frustration, confusion and whatever else 1 human could possibly feel at one time.
I reflect on not only his wonderful little life but I reflect on my life.
Who I am, Who I was, Who I am becoming!
So tomorrow as we celebrate Franklin I am also going to be celebrating me and continue to prepare for the birth of the new me. Not gonna lie I am seriously over these emotional contractions.
Can I request the emergency C-section on this work yet?
I have full faith in my abilities to be human and be connected and I fully trust that the universe only ever presents me with who, and what I need at the time.
And I will leave you with this.
Feel into it, Have faith, ask for help, allow someone to hold you and see you in all your moments and